Last night I broke down.
It was brewing for days. I felt tightness in my chest and constriction in my throat, but the release was not forthcoming. I was stuck in the place I hate the most, neither up nor down. Middling. Trying to be present, wondering why I couldn't connect, wondering why I couldn't cry.
As a coach and healer, this can be difficult to reconcile. You have to dig deep, to put your meh self to one side so you can focus on the people who rely on you.
I do it though. Life has ups and downs, and I know there aren't many of us that can be constantly connected, awake and aware.
The break down erupted after my husband came home without any cheese. Yes, cheese. I broke down over feta - that is, lack of it.
To be fair to me, I had prepped a lovely salad.
I blew up like thunder.
Then came the rain...
I cried and cried, and it was good.
I often say to my clients, we don't breakdown, we breakthrough.
I was due a breakthrough. The fact the moon was full hasn't escaped me. It was Supermoon at that. If you are going to release anytime, this is the time!
I went to bed early and read, I slept well, and after all the drama, I awoke and I remembered. I remembered and I realised. I have been going about everything the wrong way. I have been distracted, too focused on the flow of outside to in, instead of inside to out.
Sometimes you 'know' things, but sometimes you know things. This was a moment of knowing things. The glorious 'ah-ha' moment I was so desperate to receive.
I wrote in my journal: "You're out of flow. There's too much focus on the outside, and there's too much pleasure-seeking. You have become dull and stagnant and you're not allowing yourself to evolve. You're on the phone/laptop all the time, comparing yourself to others - it has dulled your life and your connection to source. It's time to make changes."
I decided to stop looking out and allow my inner voice to direct the show, once again.
It made me think; we are always becoming - we have to make little tweaks, changes along the way; but we are also everything we need to be, right here and now.
Hence, we are always unfinished, but we are also complete.
And then I wrote a poem, I want to share with you now:
Stop.
Stop being so scared.
Stop searching.
You are already.
You are. I am. We are. It is.
Everything is
Just as it is.
Here,
Right now
You are.
Nothing to fear -
Nothing to fear except fear itself.
Let go.
Just let go!
You already know.
I promise you
You already know.
